Cottage Cheese Thighs

I'm all curves. I take pride in my "L.A face with an Oakland booty" frame. You all know I ain't to keen on my legs from a prior blog (found here.) Today my brother called me "cottage cheese thighs" *rolls eyes* I was soooooo hurt *rolls eyes again* For those of you who don't get my sarcastic humor, it really didn't phase like it would have a year ago. I ain't even trying to have that negative mentality around me, especially if its coming from a little 17 year old shithead who knows nothing about life just yet. But I started thinking, whats so wrong with having cottage cheese on my thighs. Nothing. I have hips, ass and thighs and cottage cheese just comes with the territory with anyone who is built thicky-thicky-thick-thick like me. Even the most thinnest women I know have cottage cheese thighs! Sure it may not be visible as it would be on a thicker woman, but its still there. And Hello! Tyra Banks even has owned up to her cottage cheese.

So lets rewind 7 days: I was in the restroom and woman approached me and said, "I just have to tell you I wish I had you figure." She was bigger than me and I just smiled. Not because I was flattered, okay maybe a little, but I was more happy that another woman pushed her pride aside and gave another woman a compliment. Ladies tend to have the hardest time complimenting each other. I know this, because I am a woman myself. Though it wasn't up until last year I decided I'm going to start complimenting other women. And I do. If I like what that woman is wearing or how she looks, I compliment her. So I know when that woman approached me to tell me she wished she had my figure, I knew that took balls.

Okay flash forward to today at Subway for dinner: I was sitting down with my food and a rather large woman, estimated weight in my mind: 500 pounds, just stared at me. A constant creepy stare. I got the feeling of , "I can see your cottage cheese thighs and you shouldn't be wearing shorts." So I stared back at her because it honestly didn't phase me what the woman thought. But then I got the feeling that she was admiring me in some weird twisted way. I felt like turning around and saying, "Do you have a problem?!" but I also wanted to turn around and say, "I love your eye shadow!" just so I can show her that to compliment another woman rather than staring at her in a creepy way, that it will feel good. Though I just acted unphased. She's judging either you look at it and I hope one day she realizes that judging others only makes you heart heavier than it should be.

Its taken me a whole year to look at my stretch marks and cottage cheese and say, "So what!"I have had NO complaints from the men whom I choose to love me down and no qualms from the men who check me out and drool over me like Ima piece of carne asada. And truth be told...Real men appreciate a woman with real curves. I think some women need to push their jealous ways aside and just compliment another sista. I also think when a woman hears "cottage cheese thighs" she needs to take that ish as a damn compliment. A woman's cottage cheese and stretch marks are just proof that she's REAL.
And I rather be real than fake.


P.S: The picture above is NOT me...I have balls but not HUGE ones...plus I have tattoos on my back...So yeah. Not me.

Go Hard or Go Home!

"If you kneel before God, you can stand before anyone."

Last night I was over it. Just over it in general. An old friend once told me, "Stefanie if you want something or someone, you gotta go after it with full force and fight for it. If you don't fight for it, that means you don't want it bad enough." I felt the hunger in my heart and soul...I'm starving for it. I want it.

This morning had three whole hours to myself. Do you know what that felt like? Liberating. Not answering to no one or nothing.The cool morning air blew threw my curly hair and the sun shined so bright. I droive with my music on full blast. I stopped at a red light on Whittier Blvd and saw two good looking men in a souped-up Nissan Altima pull up besides me, stare at me and blow me a kiss and ask for my number. Three hours of alone time makes you really think. I felt "Jezebel James", lets rephrase that, I KNOW "Jezebel James" is back. I have that "Dirt of my shoulders" mentality. "Cant phase me" mentality. The "Watch-me-do-the-damn-thing" mentality.

Three hours to myself have never felt so good. It was like a breath of fresh air. Just me being one with the universe. So you might be wondering what I thought about. I thought about EVERYTHING. There was still somethings weighing on my heart in regards to myself. I have always pushed what I REALLY want aside. I have neglected my heart far too many times than I care to admit. I have neglected myself far too many times than I will EVER admit. I have tumbled, fumbled but I DID NOT crumble. I stood on my own two feet, punch after punch, round after round. I've walked tall against the ring and I have gracefully bowed out of the game. I have felt bad about things and people because of the guilt they placed on me and now I am starting to see that I need to be selfish in order to progress. I am tired, over it and done with it. The pain is really starting to fade and I am starting to see with clearer. The static in my head makes sense now. This was/is Gods test. I'm passing it. I don't claim to be perfect, I just claim to be human.

I need to go after what I REALLY want, whether it makes me selfish or not. I want happiness and I deserve it. I want love and deserve that too. I'm pulling out all the stops out and Jezebel James is back in full force. I will not tolerate negativity, I will no longer be walked on, over, used and abused. If it makes me selfish, so be it. If it makes me a bitch because I am being selfish, so be it. I need to do this for me. No more tip-toeing around certain people or situations. No more of hiding what I REALLY feel or censoring any thoughts in my head because I am afraid of being called Selfish. The flame inside me is ignited.It's time to play ball, go hard or go home. No fear. No negativity...

I plan on going hard.

Midnight Thoughts

"Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience. "

I lose. It should come as no surprise that I have lost more than I have won. In fact I am kinda sorta scared that I have become used to losing that when I do win, I wont even notice it and if I do notice it, I'm not sure how I would even handle it. I have had two big losses in my life. Two. Two specific people have been my greatest losses in my life, yet the two greatest blessings.

I am at a place in my life where I am just accepting the things I cannot change. In simpler terms: I'm letting Jesus take the wheel. Its taken me a while to realize this...but I have realized it. I feel at peace with my two greatest losses. Maybe because I have actually forgiven myself. And maybe because I realized the heart always wins. Always.

You know, as humans we tend to turn the other cheek when it comes to matters of the heart. For some of us, the heart is just an organ in which beats to keep us alive. For some of us it's a public storage used to place people and things we love in there. Sometimes those people and things are shoved to the back and become this void. So we do everything in our power to fill that void. We buy new things to replace it or fall in love with new people to replace them. Though the truth is, that void can never be filled like how it was before. No matter how hard you try to fit that square into the circle, it just wont fit. I'm the first one to admit, I am guilty of it. We all are.

There's always that one person who we hold on a higher pedestal than anyone else in our lives.Its that one person who loves you unconditionally and vice-versa. The one person who you can talk to and they understand you even if you aren't making sense or saying a word. There's always that one person...always. I spent a couple of years trying to fight it. And it wasn't up until recently I told myself the truth and just surrendered. Matters of the heart you cannot change or erase. So as humans we try to "beat it", run from it....but sooner or later it catches up with you.

I have my friend back.

I won.

Some Call It "Selfish", I Call It "Love"

My thighs rub together. They rubbed together when I was bigger and they rubber together now and to top it off, they are still thicky-thick-thick. I have hips, round, big hips, and I barley realized this after I shed the pounds. My boobs are naturally big, I also realized this because my bra size didn't get smaller. And lastly my rear end is naturally big, round and plump. These are curves I have NO control over and I have accepted the fact that my stomach area may shrink but my curves probably and most likely NOT shrink. And I am Okay with that.

Today I saw thinner women sporting the cutest tight jeans and tops with their matching high heels and felt kinda-sorta jealous. The had smaller breasts, smaller asses, smaller waists, and smaller stomachs. And in that moment I thought, "For just one hour I wanna know what its like to be THAT small all around" I went about my day and at one point I caught O.O.C staring at me. He quickly turned around and I wanted to laugh so hard and say, "I caught you!" and point at him. I just smiled to myself. I knew what he was staring at. My coke-bottle figure. My figure drives him crazy... that when he does get the chance to tame this wild beast (me) he doesn't know where to start and he becomes a kid in a candy store as he caresses my frame. What was I thinking when I thought, "For just one hour I wanna know what its like to be THAT small all around" ?!?!


Truth is...I love my curves. I love the fact I have bigger breasts, bigger hips, bigger thighs and a bigger ass. Girls would kill to have T&A like me. How do I know this? Because even the skinny girls approach me telling me just how much they want my curves. So you may be thinking, "Okay Stef we know you love your curves, enough already and where exactly are you going with this!?" Okay, Okay, Okay....I looked back at the first entry of this blog. I re-read my old posts and my thought was "Wow, I have sure grown. I don't ever wanna feel that way again." It's true, I was sad and unhappy with my life and myself. I'm proud of myself. I can honestly sit here and say I am so proud of myself. I bended, I tumbled but I did NOT crumble. The girl who once hated the curves and the thickness is now a woman who appreciates them. In my journey I have learned that I have the power to change the things I can change and the what I cant change by myself, I leave in Gods hands and let him change those things. Acceptance..Self-Acceptance, Self-Worth and Self-Love has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through.

This mold I am in, is my mold. And sure there are some days when I don't feel sexy and comfortable in my own skin...but the good days where I do feel hella sexy and comfortable in my skin outweigh the days I don't feel that way. It doesn't happen over night. It took me two years to go through this process. I wouldn't change it for the world.

I think once you love yourself things fall into place.
I found a new love for myself these past three days because I decided to be "selfish". Not just a love for my curves but a love for myself in whole. Walking through these past three days with a clear mind is such a great feeling. A feeling of love self-love for myself.I haven't cried and their problems are no longer MY problems. So yes, I think once you love yourself enough to accept yourself and do you, things fall into place.

Showering With God

Inhale.


Exhale.

Last night I asked God to help me let go of the pain within me.


Inhale.

Exhale.

This morning, I think, No, I know I had my answer.




I'm not a human doormat. I am not some punching bag. I didn't give up after all...well on life that is. But rather I gave up on trying to make others happy and not myself. I saw things clearer this morning and I was so happy I did. I smiled when I woke up. I swear. And I talked to the man above while I was in the shower. Hey! Most of you said I can talk to God anytime and any place...so I did. I washed my body and asked him to make the day a great one. I asked him to make my life less full of pain. I asked him for happiness. Yes, I talked to God in the shower.

"I don’t care if it hurts, I’m tired of playing all these games. I’ve reached a point in life Hey, no longer can I be this way.Don’t come crying to me I too have shed my share of tears.I’m moving on, yes I’m grooving on.Hey, well I’m finally free.I’ve got to be true to myself -Ziggy Marley


Call me "Selfish" if you will. Call me whatever it is you wanna call someone who's putting themselves before others for the first time in their life. If I am selfish because I can no longer make others happy, then so be it. I have come such a long way from the girl who once started this blog. So far. Time to make Stefanie happy. Me happy. This is my life. No one elses. MINE. ALL MINE. I have THE RIGHT to be happy. I will say it again...I have the right to be happy. I never wanna feel the pain I have felt these past few months. I never wanna be the doormat again. Done with it, over it. I am so ready to happy. My outsides were cool, but my insides weren't and I am so ready for the insides to match the outside. I feel like I got that inner peace back. The one I had struggled with for so long and finally got only to find out I was giving it away. My mistake. No, this happiness that I have found...Not you, not them, the devil...No one can take it away.


I'm Selfish.

So what.

My happiness is coming first. I am so tired of people not getting on board with the positivity. So tired of them dragging me down lower and lower. True: I am on the ground. True: I let people use me as a doormat or beat me while I am down, my fault. But know this TRUE: I WILL RISE.



I am above this.



This whole making me feel bad is beneath me.


It's beneath me.


My answers came to me while showering with God.

Selfish Stefanie

Selfish:

Main Entry: self·ish
Pronunciation: \ˈsel-fish\

Function: adjective

1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2 : arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others
3 : being an actively replicating repetitive sequence of nucleic acid that serves no known function ; also : being genetic material solely concerned with its own replication

— self·ish·ly adverb

— self·ish·ness noun

My mother and I just got into this huge fight about just how selfish I am. She knows fully well I have $0 to my name and she "accidentally" forgot her debt card. So I paid not knowing if it was gonna go through. I murmured "I just wont eat for the week" and that sent her off on a tangent about just how selfish I am. I wanted to cry but not in public. I felt my chest tighten and my breathing become shallower as the minutes passed. She looked like she wanted to cry too, but I wasn't even trying to feel sorry for her. I know that sounds mean, but I couldn't feel sorry for her. All those times she made me feel bad? And yes granted my mother does help me more than she should. She has put up with me for a long 24 years and supported an decisions I have made whether they were good or bad. But she has made me feel so much lower than anyone else has in my life.

These past two weeks Ive heard her scream about moving. Ive watched her lay on the floor and cry about not having any money and she has 2 kids in the house. I've cooked and cleaned up after her and her husband. Ive had to study and take care of the family. Its tiring. It's tiring...I am a housewife and I am not even a wife. These past two weeks I have had it with her rudeness and making me feel so bad about even existing for that matter. I'm just a burden. A burden who cooks and cleans, and who "just lives" in her house. I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night because I am scared shitless about where we are gonna end up. I feel unstable and unsafe. She's a constant reminder that we are losing our home and we have NO money. The guilt I feel is so tremendous. So heavy on my heart. I've copped an attitude with her and even rolled my eyes. The negativity within me is steaming from the situation I am in. Does she think I wanna be negative? I wanna feel this guilt? She must think so. So I sat there and heard her tell me just how selfish I am, how cold I am, and how no one will ever want me. Yes, My own mother said this. She also added in a few weeks ago that she doesn't count on me on being a successful writer. I sat there motionless and just busted. "What do you want me to do? What the Fuck do you want me to do?" Okay, I disrespected her with using the word "Fuck" but I couldn't tolerate it no more. Just because I don't say, "Mom things will be okay" doesn't mean I'm selfish or unkind.

I'm walking around in jeans that have holes in them. No shoes to wear when it rains and she sat there and called me selfish. Sat there and told me I am a cold hearted person because I cant care anymore. She made bad decisions. Her husband and her made REALLY bad money decisions and now they are paying for it and its my fault, its MY guilt right? I am so, so tired of wearing jeans with holes in them, So tired of not having shoes to wear when it rains . SO tired of not being able to be on my own...So tired. And I am selfish......

I sat and looked at apartments, that's one of the choices she gave me, and to be honest it doesn't seem like a bad one. I mean at least Id have a place to call home and a sure thing under my belt. So I calculated and I could NEVER make it on my own. Without a job, I couldn't survive. I felt my chest tighten again and I wanted to throw up.
I just want to be held...

I just want to lay my head on someones shoulder and cry until my tears have ran out...Sob uncontrollably until I am blue in the face.

I am so tired of feeling so guilty. Of getting 2-4 hours of sleep at night. So tired of feeling unstable, unsafe and unloved.

I'm not a selfish or mean person. I'm not and anyone who knows me, knows that..but I cant keep on feeling so bad about HER situation. I cant keep on doing this...

I give up.

I Am My Own Prisoner

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

I laid in bed and I could have sworn I heard the beating of my heart in the still of the night. I breathed in and out as slowly as I could. I closed my eyes and listened to the Los Angeles wind and the music it made. I wanted to so badly stand outside in the cold, windy weather to feel anything but what I am feeling now. And to be honest, I am not sure what I feel. I have my moments of complete sadness where I bury my head in my hands and cry uncontrollably. I have my moments of anger when I am mad at the world. I have my moments of numbness where nothing and no one can phase me. I have my moments of content, where I feel all warm and fuzzy, yet satisfied (now these are what most of my moments consist of).And I also have my moments of happiness, where I am invincible, unstoppable and on cloud nine.

I feel content if I really think about it long and hard. I think people don't pay much attention to their hearts. They push feelings aside and bury them in a box some place in the heart. They never listen to it and often times think it's JUST an organ that keeps them alive. But it's more than organ. It's more than a public storage for collected memories and people. That's not how it works. 10 out of 10 times you heart is right. These feelings are real, those feelings exist and arent some boxes that can be replaced. They are irreplaceable and you cant deny whats in you heart...

My head and heart are constantly at war with one another. The constant battle keeps me up most nights. My head and heart constantly struggle with one another on what to feel about my life. And you know what? I am so tired of listening to my head. That's the journalist in me..."think with your head Stefanie". But the heart, this heart of mine has always been right. So when I say I feel content RIGHT NOW, it's coming from my heart.

A friend of mine asked me if I have forgiven myself. I mean it's taken 2 years to forgive Dominick, the one man in this world that I loved the most, the one man who was my best friend, the one man who was/is my soul mate, but the one man who broke me into pieces and shattered me like glass. Most ask me how I could. With a smile on my face I say, "Because of him I am the woman I am now and for that I cant be mad at." Then there's my whole daughter situation. Having to sign a birth and death certificate at the same time was the most difficult thing I had to do in my life. Would I have been a good mom? I have no clue but what first time mother does? All I know is when I see a baby, my heart feels this tremendous pain but I forgave God for taking back my angel. It probably saved me in some weird twisted way. Then there's the whole being used as a doormat with friends and family. No matter how badly they treated me, I forgave but didn't forget.

See I forgave everyone but myself. I am my own prisoner. So how do I forgive myself? The more I think about being "content" and ONLY content, the more I get mad at myself because I know not forgiving myself yet is the only thing keeping me from being happy in this storm. Yes you can be happy although your life is flipped upside down and torn into pieces. I'm not saying I ain't gonna be sad no more, because the truth is my life right now is sad. But at least I can feel hopeful, more than I am now.So I paced around and thought "Stefanie how do you forgive yourself?" My head had all sorts of ideas, my head threw out ways left and right but none of them seemed RIGHT. Then I sat at the edge of my bed, wiped away my tears, and I heard my heart within the music of the wind. "Just ask God for forgiveness Stefanie". Now have I done it yet? No. Give me a day or two to process this. Yes it's a process and I don't like to be pushed when I am about to take a really big step.

I know things will be okay,my heart says so.

I know within the next few days I will unchain myself from the guilt.
I AM MY OWN PRISONER...