My Name Is Stefanie & I Come From A Broken Home

I have become immune to waking up to my mother sobbing uncontrollably or yelling up a storm. It's been this way my whole life...not every day, but pretty much once or twice a week. Yesterday was no different, except it was different. I heard her yell and sob so loud...I have never heard her yell or sob this loud before. I put the pillow over my ears and closed my eyes. I felt like a little girl all over again. I used to hide under the covers when I heard my father and mother fight as a child. It was overwhelming, it was too much to bare. She was yelling at my step-dad about money. He stood there motionless. Although I couldn't physically see him, I knew he was just standing there by the way she sobbed and yelled.

Although we hired a lawyer to save the house, we have no money for bills. My heart sank in and she said, "We're not even gonna have a Christmas!" and sobbed even more harder. I wanted to cry, I wanted to so badly be anywhere but in this house. We can't afford the water, light, or gas bills...and I felt that frustration. The night before she went on a rant about how we don't even have money for food. I have to remember to breathe in times like these. I have to remember God is doing this for a reason. But I slowly got angry with him. My step-dad is making no effort to help. I'm only 24 and have had to carry him at times. 24 carrying a 50 year old...it's exhausting...so I can only imagine how my mom feels. I got so scared that while at lunch with one of my best friends, I began to tear up as I told him the story. "BREAK THE CYCLE STEF!" he repeated over and over again.

I laid under the Christmas tree today and stared at the white lights that shined through the glass ornaments. "I come from a broken home," I thought. No wonder why I am so messed up inside at times. I had to remember to breathe again and I thought, " God, I will not let my child go through what I am going through..." and began to cry. I am not my mother. I am not my father. And I need to remember that. I also have to remember not EVERY problem they have is MY problem. Last year this tree was filled with gifts, now it's just bare. Not that gifts matter, but you know what I mean. I unbookmarked that leopard purse I wanted from EBay that I had written about a few posts down. I can't afford that nor save it for. I got bills to pay and mouths to feed. I so desperately want out of this house. I so desperately wish that sometimes I was one of those winners on TV who won a new Condo or car for myself or better yet $5,000 to at least make things so much easier around here.

There's sadness in the air around here. It's so thick, you can slice it. Once again I feel helpless. I feel like slowly but surely the weight is gonna be put back on my shoulders again. And all I can think about is how I will never show my child the kind of pain I have been shown.

BREAK THE CYCLE STEF...

Failing Is Not An Option

"Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not" -Eminem

I lost weight despite my three-day junk food binge *Does the happy dance* Go Stef! Go Stef! Okay, Okay, enough with that...naw, never mind let's hear it again: Go Stef! Go Stef! *Smiles* You know I laid in bed the past few nights with so much static in my head. I thought about everything A-Z and I decided that I need to get back on my game. This whole losing weight, getting me in check game is the right path for me. I have spent so many entries saying this, but I know this time is different. Wanna know why? Because I am so over it.

I am over the guilt. The pain. The stressful people in my life. The negative people. I am over it. So last night I decided to throw in the towel with that whole mess. I have to do something for me now. I refuse to go into 2010 with the sadness and pain of 2009. So this morning I decided to call it "Game Time"...Not "Stef's Time" ..."Game Time". It's time to put on my warrior make-up, put on my armor, and fight. Fight for me. Fight for my peace, time to fight for my happiness. The only way to achieve this is to not be Mrs. Nice Girl anymore. Nice has gotten me ahead but it's also gotten me walked all over and on the back burner. No more. Jezebel James is back and in FULL FORCE. Don't like it? That's not my problem. Everyone's problem's are NO longer my problem. Can't stand me? Sit down. Think I'm tripping? Tie my shoe. I will not carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have spent too many damn years putting others before me and it's time to do me.

I have to put me first. I have come too far to put this in reverse. I think it's about time I have some kind of game plan for myself. All I have to do is stick to it. Sticking to it is gonna be hard, but I know that change begins with myself. I need change. Being unhappy is exhausting. I need this game plan to go as smooth as possible even if that means slow and steady. I am not gonna rush this process. If I rush this, it will only come out half assed. I can't deal with going in reverse again. There's a reason why our eyes are placed in front...to look forward, to move forward. Feet don't fail me now. I'ma need a whole lot of faith, strength and will power. But I can do it. I can do this and that's all I have to keep saying to myself.

When I want to eat that whole piece of chocolate cake I have to remember how bad Ima feel afterward. Don't get me wrong, Ima enjoy that piece of chocolate cake and there's gonna be a day when I slip up, but I will win this game. So this is it. If I wanna be completely and utterly happy in 2010 I need to do this. FOR ME. For once, for me. No more putting myself on the back burner. Can't and won't do it. I have come too damn far just to throw in the towel. Too damn far to turn back and say, "Next year". There's no next year. Next year will be my year. HAPPINESS is my prize and for that this change mus take place. All I have to do is keep my eye on the prize.

FAILING IS NOT AN OPTION.

Little Miss Piggy

Part of me doesn't know where to start. But I think the most appropriate way is to be blunt. I am pissed off about the lack of support I have in regards to weight loss. I know the Christmas season is the worst season because everyone gains so much weight. I have been pretty good. I mean, I have passed up on the double fudge brownies and the cheesecake for the most part. Keyword: MOST PART.

I live in a house where there's nothing but junk. Then I see it and I cant keep my cotton picking hands to myself. It's day three out of seven blowing my diet. To be honest I didn't blow it, blow it. I just went over my points with dinner all three days. It frustrates me that one person on the house who talks about weight ( my mom) isn't dieting, especially since she is diabetic and is my ONLY support system in this house. And friends? For the most part, yes I said most part yet again, the understand the struggle I have with food. Typically they go to places I am comfortable with. Subway one day, Taco Bell another...but there's always that one friend who says, "Chili's!, Shakeys!" and it just makes me so sad about my weight because I give in. Anyone who knows me, knows I can't say "No" to those two places!

So yes, I am so frustrated with my lack of support. I should have enough will power to just say, "No." I don't. "One piece of Godiva Chocolate wont hurt me", "So I went five points over...", It's a battle I always lose. And people don't understand the battle I have to fight every day. Even tough I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, it irks the crap out of me that no one supports me the way I need support. No one understand the battle I fight every day. It's a battle.

I am determined to make 2010 the best year I have. This means getting my mind right by thinking more positively. My body right by losing weight. My soul by trusting and leaving my life in Gods hands. I need this change for me. Last change I had I called it "The Summer of Stef" and the summer kicked my ass and molded me into better person despite my struggles. I am so determined just to make it "Stef's Time". Yeah that's it, "Stef's Time" because it will be my time to shine. My time to show em what I really am made of and just how bright I shine. I just need some friggin' support around the house.

That is all. That's what's REALLY bugging me.

And with that said I once again am reminded...

"Fitness is a journey, not a destination. Weight loss is a process, not a rush!"


This will be

"Stef's Time"

Moving Forward

"Ladies:: If who you're feeling doesn't make you feel special, beautiful... it aint worth it.. Im just saying" -Rev Run

I woke up with a smile on my face. It could have been the fact I dreamt of Eric Dane ( who plays McSteamy on Grey's) was my boyfriend and he was madly in love with me. Out of all the girls he wanted me. Maybe it was the fact I was done and over being sad. Or maybe, I was just over it. I smiled from ear to ear.

I so desperately wish a man would make me his. I long for that security, that love, that affection that sometimes its a pain inside my heart. We all want to be loved. I want to be loved. I walked passed O.O.C and he stared at me once again, like I was a juicy piece of meat. I laughed. Go ahead and say you see me as nothing more but a friend with benefits when your actions speak louder. He wants me. It shows in his eyes, it shows in his touch, in his kiss but he's playing dumb to it because he's never had a woman like me. He's never had a woman as beautiful as me, as smart as me, as fly as me, and sexy as me. He deals with these little girls that he can control, he cant control me. Ima wild sexy beast. So I stared back. I think I need to move on and forward with this situation. Elevate to put it in simple terms.

There's so many things this winter break I wanna work on. But one main thing: ME. I wanna work on myself more and honestly I am so excited too. I have to reevaluate ME and my worth. I deserve to feel beautiful. I deserve a man who makes me feel beautiful and sees me as beautiful. My self-esteem is like a yo-yo with O.O.C and that disturbs me. It disturbs me because I've had low self-esteem with a man before and I swore I would never let a man make me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. Truth is: He's not good enough for me. He knows this too. I should never have to lower myself to walk besides someone.

Today I was told, "Remind yourself WHY you desire what you desire." For a few moments I thought about it and my friend Jonathan said, "It makes you reevaluate." I think it's time to reevaluate ME. This isn't just about my love life, this is about MY LIFE. I am just so over it. I'm over having to be less than I am to walk besides people. I'm tired of people who feel the need to drown me in their sorrows. I need to move forward even if this means leaving people behind. The way I see it is, If you wanna wanna ride on the "Stef Express", the ticket fare is positivity and you must be able to keep up with me.

The past two days I have laid in bed crying. "Why wont anyone love me?", "What's wrong with me?" , "I'm too fat isn't it?", "I'm ugly isn't it?". My insecurities played a huge role into this and O.O.C didn't make me feel any better. I need people in my life that are gonna make me feel beautiful, that are gonna encourage me to succeed, to do my best, to BE MY BEST. I don't care if you're a man whom I take interest in or a person whom I choose to associate with...You either hop on board and do it my way or take another train. I have made one to many compromises. I cant and will not do it.

I deserve better. I deserve someone who places me on the front burner. I deserve someone who is gonna make me feel worthy, confident, and beautiful. Don't get me wrong...I'm lonely and I am craving male attention. But I also believe that my so-called friend fed this loneliness too. I know God is saving the best for last. I know that he will not let me go alone in this world and for the rest of my life.

I have to move forward.

I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD.


I deserve better.

The Love Grinch

"God gives you answers in three ways: he says yes and gives you want you want, he says no and gives you something better, or he says wait and gives you the best."


I hope he's making me wait because he has the best in store for me. I drove down the Christmas lit streets. The Christmas lit houses made me smile and want to cry at the same time. I feel alone right now. Seems like the whole world is in love but me. Maybe it's me PMS'ing. Maybe it's the Christmas spirit. Or maybe, just maybe, it's my "friend's" constant talk about men that is feeding into my loneliness. I really can't pin point where these emotions are stemming from. I should feel blessed right now, I should feel elated that I still am gonna have a roof over my head. I am, don't get me wrong, I am. Though I can sit here and bullshit you guys that the Single Life, The Blackberry Boys, O.O.C, and the random side dishes is the life for me...but I'm not gonna. It's not. At the end of the day I wanna come home to a man who will let me lay my head on his chest, as he brushes my hair behind my ear and outta my face, while watching the TV. That's what I want. That's what my heart is needing right now.

And I'm scared shitless that it wont ever happen to me.

I'm scared.

And I'm over being alone when I wake up. I'm tired of not having someone and I'm starting to believe that maybe I will be alone forever.

I don't wanna be alone anymore.

My heart can't do this "Single Life" any longer. I deserve someone. I deserve a man so wonderful and so great in my life. A man who knows how to hold it down when I'm there and not there. A man who loves hugging me, kissing me, and being with me. A man who has his own life and will fully admit the best part of him is me. I deserve someone too ya know. I do... But I'm scared that he's not out there for me. And I'm hoping I am wrong with this assumption.


I'm hoping God is saving the best for last for me.

Dear Santa......

Dear Santa,

I may be too old to be writing you, but my inner little girl inside me cannot help but to. My family and I have been through a lot this year. I'm not saying I am special, because heaven knows there are people worse off than me. I should be more grateful that the roof over my head ain't going anywhere. I wanted to die this year. I wanted to give up and throw in the towel. But by the grace of God I survived and still am trying to survive. I had to pawn all my good stuff in order to feed myself, pay for myself and survive.

This is no pity letter...But more of a Wish List letter. I got the bills handled. But when my friend brought up, "Stef, what nice things do you own?" I am reminded of the dark period when I had to pawn things and take charity money from people just to eat. Then I saw this purse on EBAY Santa...Now I know $120 is a lot for a purse...and materialistic of me to ask you for this...but just look at how beautiful it is...



I never asked for such an expensive gift...yes $120 purse is an expensive gift. And maybe to you I fell under your naughty list...But I deserve this bag. I deserve something nice, pretty, and beautiful as I am.

Sincerely,

Sicker Than Your Average.

"What you put up with, you end up with."



I am not your average woman. I do things differently...backwards and in heels. I am a phenomenal woman oh yes I am. I have been through a lot these past few months. I have learned my worth, new lessons, and what I will and will not put up with. I do things in my Crazy, Sexy, Cool ways. I am who I am...A Crazy, Sexy, Cool, Phenomenal Woman.

I know some people would kill to be in my shoes. Single, sexy and free. Being single does have it's advantages. I come and go as I please, I don't have to worry about pleasing a man, I don't have to check in, there's no arguments, no break ups and make ups. There's complete freedom...But I'm starting to feel the effects of the "Single Life". Someone on Twitter made a comment about keeping my "Pimp hand" strong. I found that statement funny. "Pimp Hand? Me? Noooo" A friend stood quite and said, "Ahem...The Blackberry Boys, O.O.C, and other side dishes who text you or try to get at you." I smirked...What? 90% of my friends (I said FRIENDS, not ACQUAINTANCES) are males. The other 10% are obviously women. I get along better with men for the simple fact they don't fret over the small stuff. They keep it real, no bullshit, and are hilarious to be around.

Doesn't matter what percentage textile they fall under in my FRIENDS category. They are a reflection of me. Yes I said it, I choose my friends wisely for they are a reflection of who I am and embody as a woman, as a human. I surround myself with people who aren't afraid to lend a buck or the shirt off their back. I surround myself with people who give and take very little. I take pride in this circle of friends. They are the ones who gave me money to eat, get a pair of jeans, or pay a bill or two when my bank account was at $0.It's never "Me, Me, Me..." But...yes...there's a but.......

I recently noticed a certain friend is "All about me". I thought I was the only on who felt this way. I mean after all, Its rare that I get along with a female. And then it hit me. She sat there speaking about a man. I noticed her whole life revolves around a man. I was talking about something and I made the remark, "I'd sit on that..." The comment had absolutely NOTHING to do with a male. But some how, leave it up to her to add one in there, "I wanna sit on (insert name)" -Blank stare- Was she kidding me? No, this happens all the time. Then a friend pointed out that I give her rides. He asked,"So you ended up taking her home? Did she offer gas?" I stood there and said, "She never does and never says 'Thank You'" Then I got pissed...at her but more at myself. I will NOT put up with that behavior. So I decided to not give her a chance to about a guy and not give her the chance to swarm her way into my car. She's 4 years shy of 30. She should drive, take the bus, and for someone who is failing her classes and doesn't work, she should concentrate on getting her life right rather than obsessing about a man. *Exhales*

I'm not saying I'm perfect. You and I both know I am far from it. However, never in my life have I not used my manners or let a boy come between me and my life. As much as Dominick said he was my anchor, I beg to differ. I wondered why in the world am I putting up with this behavior. I love the girl, but I feel like I am being used or brought down...She's my anchor in some weird twisted way. But honestly the LAST thing I need is the mention of Penis every 5 seconds to remind me that I am a Sexless woman. And the LAST thing I need is being used.

So in typical Stefanie fashion, I played it Crazy, Sexy, Cool. I'm not like most women. I don't shake things up and hope people slowly break away. I play it cool and start doing me...you either adapt to it or walk away if you can't adapt to it. I ain't asking to change you, but I am asking to use manners and respect me. I have come too damn far to not stand for something. If you ain't bringing positivity then you can keep it moving. FRIENDS build me up not break me down. I've realized my worth. To some this may be not a big deal...to me it is though. It's a big deal for the mere fact that I have been people's doormats for so long and I will NOT do it. I will not and Can NOT do it for anything and everyone and it's time I take a stand on my own happiness.

I'm sicker than your average. I sit back and observe then I make moves when my hearts in it, I don't cling to guys like they are my life line, I sink- I swim, I never rely on anyone but me, and I treat people the way I wanna be treated- which means I use manners and respect them.

I will not compromise.

I will not put up with it....

Sicker than your average.

Phenomenal Woman oh yes I am...